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Criticisms, those are the last words that I want to hear from other people’s mouth. I am a terrible critic, but when it is my turn to assume all the derision and vilification, I take it against anyone who try to provoke and offend my vulnerable and defenseless sensitivity. Unfair it is. Whether I am aware that I have wronged or not, my ears are fallen deaf when it comes to unsolicited and unwanted remarks from others. I can appreciate you for a hundred reasons but honestly, criticism, be it constructive, isn’t something to make me smile and say, “o thank you for being so honest..”. I hate it when I made a mistake and people will gamble on a chance to tell me that I actually did.

I feel the words, when it is coming back to me, like a hot acid splash in the face. Of the many things that I have accomplished in life, a correction, a statement of displease, a disapproval, a complaint, a suggestion, a repugnant thought or even a simple comment could make me feel and think everything that I have done has gone to waste. It hurts me so bad when I am made to feel that I failed, that I fell short of expectations, that I lost, that I did something unpleasant, that I got so much to improve on, that I could be better. These words, mean it or mock it, doesn’t make any difference in as far as how much it would cause me.

So I’d rather take a giant exit rather than hear them communicate my imperfections. Sometimes out of courtesy, yes I listen but deep in my heart my nerves are one in revolt saying “you have no right to tell me these things”. Many times I have chosen to back out of the game rather than hear where I have gone wrong and play again. No matter now positive the criticisms may sound to be, it still reverberate as some pride killer and a successful put-my head-under-my-shirt endeavor.

My ego is big but full enough to accommodate suggestions. Hate me is not the least you can do. But I suggest that you just understand and pray for me. I am not that bad. I do realize my weaknesses and now I am trying hard to crack my shell and be more open to what others’ have to say. What I do not know, that might be the polish that will make me shine brighter.

PS. Please feel free to comment.

Confession of a Drama King

Kakadating ko pa lang ng bahay, galing kaming overnight out of town trip kasama ang mga friends ng friend ko. Supposed to be last week sana ito kaya lang kasi di kami nakakuha ng mas maagang booking. Beach outing ire, supposed to be masaya pero ewan ko, hindi ako nag enjoy, kasi may bumabagabag sa akin, may malaking problema ako. Hinahabol ako ng sarili kong multo. Pero hindi ko pwedeng sabihin ang tungkol sito sa ngayun, kasi alam kong maraming madadamay. Marami ang magugulat, meron magagalit, may manghihinayang, may maaawa, may malulungkot, may maiiyak pero sigurado akong meron din naman matutuwa at magsasabing "buti nga sa 'yo". Saka ko na lang sasabihin pag ok na ko ulit. Pag nakahanap na ko ng solusyon. Dati pinapabayaan ko lang pag meron akong problema, pero this time, hindi pwede. Marami ang nakasaalang alang.

Kaya kagabi, kahit nararapat lamang na kami ay magsaya ay hindi ko na rin nakuhang makisabay sa inuman, sa kantahan, sa kainan pati na rin sa kwentuhan. Pinili kong matulog na lang at huwag na munang maki join kasi alam kong isang tanong lang sa akin ay posibleng mabanggit ko ang tungkol sa aking saloobin at ayokong makasira ng pagdiriwang. Isa pa, hindi ko rin naman silang lahat close friends kaya maintindihan naman nila siguro kung mag isa na lang muna ako sa kwarto at pigilan ang luha kong kanina gusto kong humalik sa aking mga pisngi.

Sa lahat ng oras hanggang sa pag-uwi kanina, hindi ko nakuhang tumawa o mangiti man lang. Sabi nga nila, baka raw nasaniban ako ng masamang ispirito. Ewan ko ngayun lang ako binuliglig ng kaba, pressure, pag-aalala at panghihinayang. Gusto ko ng makakausap pero natatakot akong mapagsabihan, dahil tiyak kong yun lang sukling makukuha ko kung ako ay magbubukas loob. Pero masakit sa dibdib. Mabigat. Higit kailanman, nararamdaman ko ang aking pag-iisa.

Habang tinatype ko ito ngayun, pumapatak ang luha ko na tila ba ulan sa tag araw, medyo nabasa na nga ng konti ang keypad ng aking laptop. Punasan ko na lang. Pero bakit nga ba ako mag mumukmok, mamomroblema at mawawalan ng pag-asa eh hindi naman ako namatayan. Hindi naman hopeless ang problema ko. Kailangan lang ng konting tiis, sipag, patience at tiwala sa sarili.

Kung meron man makakatulong sa akin sa problema kong ito, walang iba yung kung hindi AKO.Kaya tama na nga itong drama.

Devil Inside Me

“I Can be your good friend until the end”, says the song. I wish. I am probably one of the nicest guy you can ever have for a friend, that is, if fate allows. More than a friend, I can be a caring brother, an ally and a guarantor, my shoulders are broad enough to cry on and my ears are wide enough to listen. I am slightly generous and I share what I have. I believe friends are just one of the few things that money cant’ buy. That explains why true friends are hard to find.

I might just look like a bad guy, but going beyond what meets the eye, one can see the adorable side of my being. I strongly embody the thought that we shouldn’t judge a blog by its lay-out. For inside its pages might lies answers for many of our life questions, the key to simple but genuine happiness and the real events that matter passing unnoticed before our eyes. One can never tell a chest’s treasure by just simply looking at its interior built, one has to unlock the keys and digs for what’s inside.

But I am not a saint, or anyone close to it. Enough said, I can be nice but I can also be harsh and rude, if situations require. I can be your best friend or our worst foe. I don’t usually mess up with trouble, that's one thing that I have not engaged myself with since I was a kid. But last night, my temper was put to a test. Somebody’s (a housemate) accusation has gotten my irk up into my head and what followed was a brilliant, hell-raising, film-like scripted war of words.

An unintentional slight slamming of the door has irritated my housemate, he yelled at me “Galit ka ba at bakit ka nagdadabog?”, I said calmly, “Hinde”. I have no reasons to. In higher voice, “eh bakit kung isara mo yung pinto eh..” Hearing his words again, I didn’t have time to think, nasabi ko na lang, “P…ina mo! Bakit ikaw ba may-ari ng pinto? Natutulog ka ba?”.”Wala akong galit sa ‘yo at wala akong panahon aksayahin ang galit ko sa isang katulad mo, isang ka lang pipitsuging…” My succeeding words were harsh, hard and hurting. Pero gumaganti siya ng pagsagot, bastos daw ako at sumasagot sa matanda”, sabi ko, “di ka dapat respetuhin, matanda ka na nga, wala ka pang pinagkatandaan”. “Wala daw akong pinag-aralan”, gumanti ako nang papilosopo, “hello, ano ba ang tinapos mo?”. Sinabi ko kanya, “Bakit di ka maghanap ng sarili mong bahay hindi yung nakikisiksik ka dito sa amin”. “Tutal matagal ka na dito sa Dubai marahil naman marami ka ng pera at malaki na ang sweldo mo, unless..” Marami pa kaming nakakatuwang pinagsasabi, nakakahiya na lang sabihin yung iba. Nadala lang din ako ng inis at sumpong. Kamalaunan napalitan ng yung galit ko ng tawa at awa, naaawa ako sa kanya kasi alam kong pwede ko siyang patayin sa sama ng loob sa pagsasabi sa kanya ng kung ano ano. Ako pa. Buwisit talaga ako, inaamin ko, pero yun eh, kapag binuwit ako at nabuwisit ako. I am naturally peace loving person and that was just the first time na may muntik na akong ihulog sa 4th floor ng building namin. But of course hindi ko gagawin yun o ang mamisikal, that’s one big NO-NO dito sa Dubai, or else sa selda o sa Pinas ang bagsak ko.

This old man has just transferred to our house recently bringing loads of thing inappropriate for a bedspacer. As if he’s the owner of the room, he rearranged everything inside for his convenience. Next thing we knew, he’s occupying half the room while we pay the same rent. We didn’t say anything as respect to him. But rules were instigated, NO TV. NO LIGHTS. NO MUSIC. NO CELFONE. NO NOISE. Such a tough act to follow but the other four housemates including me has tried to at least abide. But inevitably sometimes you couldn’t be perfect. We would always be warned even for a fairly audible celfone ringtone or some low-toned conversation. Just the same we haven’t reacted violently, as respect to him. But last night, I just couldn’t contained it, he’s just too much to bear.

After the incident, I felt good and I didn’t feel any regret whatsoever. I am proud of what I have done and some people just need a dose of their own medicine. I am nice guy but eruptive and violent when it needs to be. I am not perfect.

Back to Blue

Ramadan is over. As the most celebrated month of the Islamic calendar folded up, everything now is back to normal, everyone is back to work and I am back to blue. Gone were the days for daytime dreaming and midnight jaunt. For one month that our office hours have been reduced by a third, I felt like a caged bird that was freed for a moment, hanging around and searching for salvation. For one month that I have not taken any breakfast or lunch, I trimmed down some weight without a conscious diet. For one month, I have communed with my inner self and enjoyed the things that truly made myself happy, that kind of happiness that emanates from within, without price and without company.

With barely a month left to spend in the office, glad my supervisor has taken his annual vacation, my remaining days can prove to be more useful than sorry. What lies head is still something that I haven’t figure out. Just hope my qualifications work better for me this time. My current job is tolerable, but my supervisor makes it unbearable. In this land of opportunities, I always get the best jobs, sadly I always end up with someone who doesn’t want to see me happy.

I will start to watch time as it moves at each second of it. Once in a while, I will take a glimpse at stillness hoping it will run as fast as a raging stallion. Oh time! why couldn't you just leave and comes back when darkness has enveloped the entirety. So that I wont' have to carry a cross of just having too much time to do nothing at an undesirable place and with terribly undesirable people.

I am trying and I have tried hard enough. It just wouldn't fit. Either it's too loose or too tight.

When Quitting Feels So Good

So far, I have already worked for six companies and that equates to five resignation letters. Oh well, only four actually because with SMC, I didn’t resign, I early retired by choice. So you might ask, why quit a job? It is when it doesn’t fit with the needs anymore. It is when it is becoming boring and repetitive, it is when it is causing too much stress, it is when better opportunities are waiting outside. Sometimes it is when it is too much, the workload and the pressure and sometimes when it is too few, the benefits and chances for growth.

Resignation is one stage in our professional life that is a little sad to hear. In some ways, it is synonymous to giving up, bitter surrendering, parting ways, having enough and moving on. It marks an end to something yet a beginning of something else. While it is true there are things which are hard to let go, like the people that we have come to know and love and the daily routines that have come to define our day, quitting from a job should be taken as a positive undertaking where one wishes to find his true self, where one desires to find a comfortable niche and where one hopes to find the best paying job.

If you want to quit your job, managers would always ask you why are you resigning. If you are applying for a new job, prospective managers would likewise ask why have you resigned from your previous job. Sometimes I wonder why people make such a big deal with resigning when it is simply being honest to oneself and just doing the things one think is right. Quitting never happens for no reason, whatever it is, it deserves respect and understanding.

When I quit my job at SGV, I said I wanted to get employed by a private firm that would give a higher paying job. Then I retired from SMC because of the lump sum pay that I could receive. Then I went to Dubai and worked with JAM but I resigned as I has some difficulty dealing with other nationalities. Then I returned home, got employed by a call center company only to back out after a cold and unwelcoming day. After that I was hired my MWG for four months after which I decided to go back to Dubai. Here in my current job, something undesirable is brewing.

In all the instances that I quit my job, it was never because of some misunderstanding, disagreements or failure to live up to expectations. I have resigned on my initiatives and without any tarnished reputation. Truth is, all my previous employers had liked me and in as much as I would have wanted to say, I have to consider things from a different perspective. It is when they try to hold you back that tend to break the heart to pieces but leaving and knowing the people whom you left admired and loved you makes it a little more special and heartwarming.

Twisted Psychology

Two days ago I was chatting over YM with some of my friends back in the Philippines. It was a free exchange with everyone mud slinging one another in conventional humor, just the same way we did it when we were still together. Then suddenly one of them walked out of the room as she was offended by some of the things she said I have told about her. It wasn’t a logical thing to do but I also left the room and said me too, was discomfited and embarrassed. For we have been friends for years and have known mostly each other’s attitude and character. If my jokes offended them in any way, such reactions are enough to make me feel bad also.

I don’t usually crack a jokes to people who are not close to me. I only unleash my comical powers when I am with friends cause I know that whatever I say, they certainly know that it’s never meant. So when things go astray, when they take my jokes wrong and forget for a moment who I really am, it hurts me just as much as they do. If they get mad at me, I entitle myself to a much a larger disgust over them, as if they’re the one who do me wrong and they owe me an apology.

That is my psychology. That’s me. I don’t usually say sorry. If someone feels bad for something that I say or do, I do nothing back to make peace. If you don’t talk to me, I won’t talk to you either even if it will take years. If you chose to hold grudge against me, fine you can keep it for as long as you want and I can go on with my life assuming my hands are clean. If anyone hates or dislikes me, surely you can no longer find their numbers on my mobile phone. I always take a step ahead to show that those who couldn’t take me for what I am and for whatever reasons doesn’t deserve a bit of my time and attention.

Call me a freak, I know who I am. I have always been alone. When I try to cross the boundary outside my wall and people will warn me for taking too much at a time, I am much more willing to go back to my cell and live in my own private euphoria.

Boremeter

What is inevitably the most boring thing to do in life? Well for me, it’s work, it’s my work. I don’t know how to explain it, but the moment I sit my ass on my table, I just wish that time could travel as fast as lightning so that I could go back home and do the things I love to do, like cooking, talking, watching television and blogging. I had never been this way before. In all of my previous jobs, I have always been so excited to come to the office and do my assigned responsibilities. It really didn’t matter if I was being paid less, the important thing was I enjoyed what I was doing and I felt productive.

Boredom, according to Wikianswers, is the state of mind where you cannot thik of what to do

In my new job, something is bringing the ennui down from my head to my eyelids. It’s not for doing something so boring, but for doing nothing at all. See I just turned a month old in my job and I am still getting acquainted with my tasks, so it’s all reading and learning stuff. I am a busy person, when I am not busy with work, at least I get myself busy with something or someone else.

When I was still with San Miguel (SMC)l, whenever boredom strikes me, building SMA or SMB, popularly known as SM Megamall Bldg A and B is just a stone throw away.

Presently, I don’t have anything to do in the office but I can’t show to them. So the pretention level is up to the highest level. That’s the horrifying ordeal that I need to go through every time I report to the office. I am being paid more actually compared to all my previous jobs but even the hefty pay could not impede my sight from closing its windows. Going to the comfort room more frequently than I should, black coffee and hot chocolate couldn’t do much good. I am freakingly bored and my work, or should I say no work – is freakingly boring and is putting me to a punishable hibernation.

I would rather be dumped with an enormous work load than to be paid for doing nothing. Call it nobility, but it is just the way I see things from a personal and professional viewpoint.

The Boremeter
Not another scientific measuring equipment, but how I call the degree of indulgence in my mold-producing and nap-inducing nature of work. Here’s my daily itinerary: I arrive in the office usually between 8 to 8:30. It will take me 5 minutes to start my desktop, 30 minutes to check on and reply to my mails, usually I create long morning emails to my friends in the Philippines. I get three 10 minutes bathroom break where I do everything I can to revive my sane self. I get usually 2 cups of hot choco. The rest, almost 3 hours pretending that I am busy, 2/3 of it I have to battle boredom and tediousness before I have my lunch break.

It is a painful task to pretend that you are busy with something
where in fact you are not. It’s guilt-ridden and crazy.

During the afternoon, I have to win over a more bloody confrontation with boredom and drabness. That’s 4 long hours of prolonged agony. Feels like I am being subjected to a survivor test. Thank God at least for this session, I am getting 3 ten minutes bathroom interruption, 2 cups of hot chocolate and minimum of 5 minutes of landline conversation. The rest is crucial, a death defying clash with the most tiresome activity of all – inactivity.

Sorry 2008

If goodbye is the saddest word, then sorry is seems to be the hardest. To say sorry is easy, what is difficult is to mean it. If it takes a long time to find true friends and even a lifetime to find someone who'll stays besides us forever, it would take only a few minutes and even a few word to destroy it. Relationships are not founded so that it could be wasted in the end. This isn't what memories are made for. Surely the things we have shared is worth more that a heartfelt apology. Therefore, if it needs to say sorry for all our indifference, we should do it as much as we could and as many times as we should.

Time is always forward. If what we have after us are no circles but broken relationship, we are not actually living worthy lives. Instead of propagating, we are creating grudges and hate feelings. We are closing doors where new friends could be introduced. We are burning bridges where new acquaintances could walk through. We are building walls that stop communications. We will be remembered by the last things we do. If we hurt other people, we are moving on with guilt and leaving behind disconnected loops of wasted time and resources. If we don't value its essense, it's alright, it only means that we dont value our lives, or if we do, we are acting a little selfish and centered.

It is never late to say sorry. Ironing mistakes and patching up is always welcome. To do righteos things never goes out of style. The fact that it is human to err should make apologizing a little easy to do than harboring the ruthless pride. We should waste no time if we need to say sorry, life can't wait. We will be endlessly sorry if the person to whom we owe these words won't no longer be here to hear that things we want to say. It is not fair to assume that we will all the same length of stay here on earth, that's why we should day everything before it's too late.

Wounds heal in time just the same as hurt born out of miscommmunication, falling out of love, separation or from simple misunderstanding and from individual differences. Getting hurt is inevitable and so does giving an apology. It wouldn't be easy if we'll allow pride gets in the way but to regain the trust and friendship from saying a genuine sorry is in itself greater than all that money can buy to cast away guilt and solitude.

So always say sorry to those people that you have wronged to, remember that sometimes, what hurts aren't always the words that we said, but the words that we don't.

MY LIST
I wanna say sory to my Landlady i could not help her because i myself is helpless in that aspect that she wanted me to help her with. I couldn't even tell her that i am going back to Dubai coz she might think that i am escaping her and that i really dont want to help her.

I want to say sorry to rowell, he might have gotten offended when i turned down his offer to help me get back to Dubai. Truth is, i know he is busy right now and i just dont want to bother him. Sorry that i have expected too much without even thinking of the current situation. My considerate thought was pre empted by urgent desire and limited time.

Sorry to Alvin. I am not the type who bargains. ONce you did me wrong, i can forgive but not forget. Dont ever get late and dont make me wait. Waiting pisses me off the greatest. I could go back where we start and assume that we have never met.

I am sorry to all my friends who texted me but i didn't even reply. Sorry to those who just wanted to say hi, hello and how are you and yet i chose to hide, ignore and be invisible. I am just so down right now.

I am sorry to all the people who tried to reach out and know me but i have refused to open up. I choose my friends and not everybody can please me. Sorry for taking risks. Sorry for sharing your time and load. Sorry that i couldn't be the person you wished i could be.

Sorry to all kuya for all my indifference towards him, i just culdnt understand why at such an age he's still so complacent and irrelevant to my familys welfare. I couldnt help but to feel disgusted at times when i see him acting like a carefree teenager while i almost lose my head thinking of ways on how to make my family survive.

Sorry to sister, i just couldnt accept her husband. No matter what they do, they couldnt simply redeem all the hurt and pains that they have caused my family.

Sorry to my other brothers and sisters. I might have been hard to approach and distant but i just dont see in you any appreciation and love for all the things that i have done. I have not seen you read your books and do your homeworks. I have seen you voluntarily tend the store or at least be familiar with some household chores. It make s me feel so uninspired.

I am sorry to my parents for being so distant. Forgive me if i dont talk to often and spend time just like what a typical family does. I feel i am all too grown up for that. Sorry that i have kept my personal life away from you.

Finally, i want to say sorry to myself for letting lust took over my fragility and vulnerability. With all the problems that i am facing, sometimes i just want to forget and escape from reality.

The Grudge

A Japanese film that was given a Hollywood remake. It tells a story that when a person in grave sorrow dies, his spirit lingers waiting to avenge those who have caused his misery and pains. That was the film's gist. But that's not what this blog is all about. This is about my grudge, oh well, not really, maybe some slight upset and bitterness over what I have been through in life. My desperation and inspiration, wishes and misses, feelings and failures.

Like all other, I have my share of not so happy childhood, lots of it at the back of my mind. Those experiences that I don’t want to go back to. Those hate feelings that I have kept inside my chest for a very long time. I Guess I have been holding it up for so long that I feel its time to let go and move on. I can’t forever harbor my insecurities and resistance within. I should not wage a war to those who might have hurt me unconsciously one way or another.

I am what I am today because of what I was. I might not have been born as good looking as the rest of my family but I was given the gift of knowledge and arts but never did I consider it a blessing. I have never been closed to my relatives because I was not like them in appearance but I never tried to reach out. I have been a consistent first honor since grade school but nobody had showed any appreciation for my feat.

They used to go somewhere during summer – Baguio, Tagaytay, Pangasinan, there was no instance that I have ever been invited. During family gatherings and homecomings, they have never felt my presence, more so, my absence. I have finished schooling on mu own – with so much pain, with so much hurt. They thought all had gone well. Nobody had dared to ask because I have never showed any sign I was actually deteriorating inside.

Eventually I have become immune for being always taken for granted. I don’t blame anyone for all my frustrations. I was the one who expected for something that they were not obligated to do. I was the one who built walls and burned bridges. I was the one who loathed myself and conditioned my mind that people around me could never do anything good to me. I have created my own ghost and I have underestimated the capacity of others. Where it’s coming, not from out there.

Just the same, I don’t blame myself for all my indifference. During those times when my emotions’ supposed to have brought me down, I have found an inspiration to go on and move ahead believing that if I wouldn’t help myself, no one else would do. I have not taken it against anyone, as a curse or vengeance. Fact is, I have made all the goodness that I could possibly extract from it: motivation and encouragement, to never fail in the battle that I was fighting for.

The Social Insecurity System!

Yesterday, i went to the local SSS Office to verify the status of my ID that i have applied with them last October. It's supposed to be deleivered by courier and by now. Well it wasnt, so i made the efforts to run to their office and inquire. Then i was told that the releasing and application for the SSS ID has been suspended because the machine that makes the ID has been broken and thus rendered unusable.

At first i could not believed what i have heard, why my ID has not been delivered yet. Then i bought the idea but not an excuse to stop my blood from running to my head! Imagine, the only machine that produces the SSS ID for the entire Philippine population has been inoperative since July 2007 and they have not done anything to fix it! Hundred of applications must have been on cued by now and making any efforts on our part to make follow ups is absolutely a waste of time!

What pissed me off more is the fact that when we got hired, we are automotically deducted an SSS contribution right against our hard earned salary. Then this ID, which is supposed to be the only proof that we are indeed a member of this organization could not be provided to us simply because the machine that makes the machine is defective and not functioning! Isnt that alarming? Where have all our contributions going? They are collecting millions of pesos from us come each payday and yet they could not even replaced that one miserable and lonely machine! WTF! Maybe it goes to show that what has been written on papers several months ago wasnt totally a lie. SSS could really be on a losing streak! More people could be dying that those getting a new job! So they have to shell more cash compared to the amount coming in. Make sense huh!

The SSS ID is as important as any other ID. It is our passport to a safer and faster transactions with them like when appying for loan or just simply making a nonsense inquiry. It is also one of the most valid and highly acceptable form of identification card. On my part, i really didnt intend to get a card for any other purpose aside from getting the card itself and keeping it in my wallet. Honestly, i dont care much about how much i have had contributed to the fund and what this losing organization could for me. I just wanted to have a card. Period. With regards to my contribution, consider it a donation in advance for a dying institution that needs to be secured as soon as possible!