Writings on the Ocean Floor

Look at me and you'll never see a trace that i have a passion for writing or making blogs in particular. Maybe you would rather conclude that i care more for illegal drugs and basketball, rock music and alcohol or even as someone who sells pirated DVDs. Looks can be very deceitful but what the heart wants echoes beyond what the bare eyes can see, true and inspiring and never superficial.

So why i do write? Wee, everybody just needs an outlet for expressions. Some people would dance, others would sing, few would kill and i do write. The thought i can never say and the thought i can never show, by traslating them to written words i find refuge to free myself and solicit a comfort of hope that someday somehow people would see me, seek me and speak of me beyond what i am commonly known for.

When do i feel most inspired to write? When i find my emotions at the bottompit of the ocean. When there's just nothing else to turn to and when there's no one lef to hang on. When so many things' troubling my mind. When ive got so many problems to attend to. When i am shouting loud and no one hears. When something so important happens and when something so depressing inevitably occurs. When i succeed in an endeavor and when i fail a challenge. Be it based on bad or beautiful, the drama, the humor and the tragedy are all worth the ink. Inspirations come from all sources but the will to get inspired comes from within.

I am paid working as an accountant, i am appreciated more for being a writer. Guess which of the two do i enjoy more? Of course, its when i write. There's no pressure, all honest to goodness of being me. I dont deal with numerics but with realism about me and the world i live in. There's just so many stories to tell and this way bridge the gap between me and the rule of conventions. That though i may find myself drowning in solitary confinement, buried deep in the abyss of self neglect and disassociation, i am still linked to the world, waiting for the time would surface these writings in the ocean's floor.

Let's Blog Again!

The Man I Am Missing

I am missing someone. It’s been a long time since I’ve been with this guy. I remember years ago, he was thin, pale, quiet, unadorned and very conservative. Looking back to the old days, he had simple aspirations in life, that is, to be of help to his family by finishing college and landing a job probably as an architect or a nurse. He had no friends except me and he had brought all his focus in honing the talents that God has given him (damned!, this guy got a basket of natural gifts). He used to speak less though I knew his heart was full of stories to tell.

We had no earlier pictures together, he’s very camera shy, he thinks he’s hideous.

After college, we parted ways. I left him actually, not because I needed to but because I wanted to. He’s too boring for a mate. He didn’t know anything beyond the most complex algebraic expressions or the elements that most commonly present in the atmosphere. He lived his life with books and the imaginary characters he found therein. He didn’t play any sports. He didn’t wear jeans. He had never been to a mall until I invited him one time during our second year in college. My god! He’s a hermit living in a cave of closed identity. He had lived a simple life but I had never once heard him complain or protest why others have to be more blessed.

Yeah, he maybe so probinsiano, but he’s way better than anyone you could ever find in the metro.

That’s what I had liked about him. Yes, he’s too corny but he’s true. He never lied, he never doubted anything that people told him, he’s very smart yet humble, he’s mysterious, he’s very different. When I came to Manila to work, I did change. I have liked all the new found things that I have not seen in the province and when I was still with him, the huge malls, branded clothes, gadgets, new friends and too many others to mention. I forgot about him just as my Friendster friends keep on growing. Then for a long time, I have not seen him. I don’t know if he’s dead already. There was no news of it.

He disappeared to anonymity, never took his college dreams and then..a news blackout.

So many years passed, I had not heard about him. How I wished I could have given him some complimentary gifts when I was still with San Miguel or invited him to the many occasions that I have spearheaded in our house. How I wished I could have talked to him and just simply take a trip down memory lane. But where is he? Now I am here in Dubai and friends are too hard to find, after so many things that have transpired, after dropping him from my priority list, after denying him a chance to go with the flow, after letting him alone, after leaving him lonely, his thoughts and character suddenly graced my imagination.

He was forgotten, but his character lingered somewhere at the back of my mind.

Could I be missing him? well, I must admit I am. But why? Maybe I got tired of the lights and the modern times and I am looking for some peace and truthfulness . I know he is not that hard to find, only if I will look closer and deeper within myself. I miss him, yeah, i miss the man. I am missing the man I used to be.

A Bigger Job

Before I went out of the office this afternoon, I bid goodbye to my American superior, he just arrived from a month long vacation. I have just been regularized; so he asked me how my job was. I said it was fine. I said that I was getting along very well with the job and been learning a lot as each day progresses. Sounds good? Hmm, but you know what? Lately I have been trying hard to hold my head together as I dealt with the overwhelming responsibilities as the company's new accountant. Not that I feel incapable of doing what’s assigned to me, it’s only that sometimes I would want to tell them that true I am just a paid employee but I also do get tired dutifully unlike a restless robot.

This is not my way of complaining what I couldn’t tell my boss straight to his face. Pardon my silent rally; I am just yet again in one of those rare moments when the circumstances drown me in little irreverence. My tolerance towards challenging and taxing accountabilities has seemed to have gradually diminished with time or is it just the fact that I have never really liked "positions" from the very beginning? Contrary to what you might think, I have a self downsized personality. Oftentimes I fear representing a group, leading a pack, managing a task or simply in charge of a concerted effort.

I have worked for San Miguel Corporation as a Senior Financial Analyst for more than six years. Had I not resigned to pursue my Dubai dreams, I would have been a manager by now. Well, actually I was told about it when I decided to leave the company. My boss revealed their plans for me as if knowing them would entice me to stay. Had they've informed me ahead of my decision, I would have declined either. I know my own strengths, but at times that I feel that I am not ready yet, I don’t take risk, even if that represent a once in a lifetime shot.

Now, I kinda feel the same, too overworked and the responsibilities coming too big to handle. Am I waiting for someone else to tell me that I can do this? Nope. But certainly it will be appreciated. They trusted me for this job and I don’t need another thing to happen so I could realize that. I just couldn't tweet "if I could only transfer to another job by tomorrow". I should be thankful that I got a job after the long wait. I have learned my lessons well. I have grown up and ready for the challenge.

Not all are given the chance that I have let slipped through my fingers simply out of convenience and silliness. I am not letting go of this one. I am not made to break. I know my own strengths.

To Whom Much is Given, Much is Expected

I came across this phrase one time while i was watching the telecast of the 2007 Emmy Awards. The show was giving honor to those television programs whose phenomenal success has enabled them to reach out far beyond the boob tube entertaionment. One show that was recognized for that higher purpose was the spin off of American Idol called Idol Gives Back, the top rating American show fund raising extravaganza thats featured performances of its past winners and finalists. The proceeds from the show were used to help children and young people in extreme poverty in the U.S. and in Africa. It was the Idol's way of sharing its success to those who have made the show enjoyed tremendous viewerships all through out its season runs.

Right there in front of the television set, I was kinda raised three feet above my seat. I am not alone. I am not carrying a burden. I am not living my life in vain. More than paying it forward when someone does you good and Spidey theme with great powers come great responsibility, it is truth lending to the timeless biblical truth that to whom much is given, much is expected. An individual who has been blessed by any means, like by earning support from other people, being gifted with good upbringing, great in born talents or physical wealth, making good a shot at once in a lifetime opportunity or simply being on top of his chosen field of endeavor, has the inherent responsibility to share to those less blessed and pay back those people whom he owe his way of success.

If only I had realized this earlier in life, it wouldn't have been that hard growing up and understanding why things have always have to be like this and why i have always have to do this and do that. You see, in my family, I was the only one whos lucky enough to finish schooling and to have that chance to land a decent job. So the responsibilities to support my family have rested in my shoulder since then. When I was still in school, whenever there's quiz competitions, I would always be the school representative and everybody's expecting me to bring the gold medal. Back then, I have found it a little unfair to live up to the pressure. I was thinking, if this was the price I have to pay for the gift of knowledge, then I'd rather be braindead.

Life is never fair and not all men are created equal. Some are born with a silver platter and others have to work their way out of poverty. Some are born with great talents and others have to be contented with their pretty faces. To whom a little much is given, a little more is expected. God won't give us cross we cannot bear. Great tasks are given to those with big hearts enough to make a difference in other people's lives.

Now I realized more than ever how good it feels when you give back and being able to share what is shared to you. Its bitter sweet especially if the road you travelled has been long and muddy. Only it is essential to note that we live with purpose, far apart from achieving our own. Succes is never personal and it has never been the end, it is only a means of achieving a higher purpose to which a meaningful existence would equate to.

American Idol has proven to be one of the most successful show on the planet and its find raising efforts have served its purpose beyond loud screams and glitter lights. Spiderman's powers have been regarded as a curse for it have sidelined its personal happiness but its the same powers that have kept peace and justice to his community. I have been blessed with the gift of knowledge anchored with some respectable talents. The road to a better life could be long and winding, but a will try my best to be of help to my family and loved ones no matter what it takes.

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We don't have to be "successful," only valuable.

We don't have to make money, only a difference,

and particularly in the lives society counts least and puts last
-William Sloane Coffin

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Bringing a Good Man Down

I really don’t know which way to feel. Being so preoccupied with my current job, I have almost lost all the time in the world to update my blogs, check on my emails and see what's the latest in friendster and facebook. Thought I could just leave the world unattended and focus on what's essential – my job. Well, evil really works its way when no one's watching. With the latest assassination that surprised the unsuspecting character in me, I really don’t know which way to feel . Should I be proud that someone is so negatively OBSESSED with me or should I be bothered that someone is weaving up trouble out of his OBSESSION.

What started out casually is raging on bloodily. Plagues of malicious emails, disturbing forum subjects, snatching control of my humble life's sanctuary, deleting the comments of my friends and even my own Friendster account, as if an apology would be not be enough to appease the bitterness and frustrations that is totally consuming this obsessed soul. Such another triumph for the evil monarch as another lost soul has taken the dark path and is blinded miserably by his congenital hatred and resentment of other people's successes.

While I work hard to earn a decent living, inevitably someone will just come along and speak evil without any just cause. But no matter how unsettling his words and his actions, I have always reserved in my heart a piece of understanding and console for people who are less loved. Sadly, people who are less loved most often are being used by the devil to spread their havoc in this world where we all try to live peacefully. And the battle just goes on. Damage will be inappropriately caused but God sees the truth and waits. He allows evil people to live longer, not because He wants them to spread more of their wrong doings but to give enough time to contemplate and repent for their transgressions.

I have always been a good man and a good friend to many. I am not a perfect human being. I have also flaws and vulnerable to mistakes and pains but I always know how to ask for apology for something that I have done knowingly and unintentionally. We live in an imperfect world, sometimes, what we want we won't get, who we love wont love us back the way we want it to be, we can never wish to be just successful, we have to work hard for it. At times when things don’t fall into place, there's no reason to blame others or feel bitter.

I have no enemies in life, aside from the loneliness that sometimes I feel from being far away from home. As an OFW, in time and in this place, that's the least that I would care about. But for some, there must be pleasure in evil speaking of others and spreading demeaning thoughts. I really don’t know which way to feel. How could some people be just so obsessed with someone so as to devote so much time trying to destroy him? Good luck. But they can never put a good man down. I have been through a lot in this life. I know as long as I am with God, this evil can try but they can't take that faith away from me.

"A man can never be too careful in the choice of his enemies” - Oscar Wilde

Home is Where the Toilet Is

I was sitting on the toilet bowl for almost thirty minutes. Had it been a weekday, in the same span of time, I wouldn’t have only emptied my tummy from last night's full meal, but have also taken a shower, dressed up and gelled my hair. But since it's a weekend, I was spared of that obligation to enslave myself to another day of never ending early morning wake up calls and pressuring office works. So for thirty minutes, I have afforded myself to sit on the toilet bowl, releasing my thoughts of boredom and homesickness yet again. Been here in Dubai for more than a year now, it's kind of odd that after many battles and consecration to fulfilling my dreams in this land of sands and the guinesses, I was actually feeling sad and missing home.

The toilet was as bare as me. Aside from the bowl, the water hose and the tissue holder, there was nothing else to see inside. The walls and floor was made of white shiny marble tiles whimsically resembling a huge folded unpainted canvass whose master's artistry has lost ever since he left his silent sanctuary back home. The toilet and the bowl was nothing similar to the one we had back home. This one was so closed out and unforgiving, while ours in the province was meters away from our house, a place without out a roof and where the sky and heaven freely falls and where the birds and the tress fly and sway abandonly from above without even care at what you are doing.

Such a great pleasure from simple things. I missed that and I missed home. Sometimes I wish if only toilet bowls could be like time machine that could transport someone back to the past or bring someone closer to the future, then I'd probably spend frequent times to happily do both. I wanted to go back to the days when our toilet bowl was stll that ground level type, much like me, so young, so trivial, so jologs, funny and innocent. Yet all the more that I wanted to go forward to the future. I missed home, family and friends. If I could travel to skip many pages in the calendar and many months of sacrifices alone here outside of my own familiar confinement, my thoughts of home and all the feelings of boredom would be flushed away with all my hesitations and unsaid feelings for my loved ones.

There was peace and solace in the toilet room, the deafening silence is a treat away from the seemingly inescapable lack of privacy that is Dubai. Yet the noiselessness was just suffocating in a sense that when you have nothing else to see, what you saw was a picture of yourself back in time in the same moments and mersmerized how things have changed since the time that you'd enjoyed some private yet public moments in that roofless toilet nestled below the leafy towering calumpit trees. There were no flush, tissue paper or exhaust whatsoever, but there was joy in seeing the birds and airplanes flew from above, there was pleasure hearing the birds' noises from the trees, there was sweetness in the scent of the fields and farms. There was hapiness, simply in being at home.

Light in the Dark

It is in dark times that the eyes begin to see. It is in the dark of the night that one sees the stars that lead back to home. When Vincent Van Gogh stood outdoors and looked up into the night sky, he didn’t see darkness. What he saw was vast peace and majesty that inspired him to paint one of his famous artwork, the Starry Starry Night. When you are in difficult situations and rough times, your mind gets clearer and helps you understand why you have to go that ordeals and how you can overcome it.

Months ago, I was at my darkest. My mind was almost corrupted with hopelessness that I could no longer catch up with the time and opportunities that I have let lost. I was at a terrible depression that getting back on track was seemingly impossible. It's one point in my life that I don’t want to happen again. Yet something strange during those moments were slapping me to my face now each time when I look at my blog space and each time that I count the times that I've prayed, the times that I've sent messages to friends and the times that I have been so positive and grateful.

Too many lights can be so distracting and blinding and the endless sights that surround us, as we see them all, can create confusion as to what is important from what's not. Some people opined that I have written some of my most heartfelt and inspiring blogs back at a time when I was still jobless. Now that I got one, I could barely find time to write and write rightfully. True enough. When you are down and troubled, you got to think more within yourself and beyond the artificialities that define present human conditions. When you are deprived, you got to think more of what is essential and necessary. When you are in the dark, you are more inspired and reaching out. You got to see the whole place though there's nothing and appreciation is rewarded even for the smallest shade of light that we could ever find.

The days before my sudden but explicable dip into being a busy guy were one of the most humbling experiences in my life. Yet being the most painful and even suicidal, it was the most rewarding in terms of realizations and growth as an individual. During those times, I have reflected on my deeds, learned my mistakes, found my strengths and embodied the hope that darkness in a man's life would never be permanent unless you chose to have it that way. It is in dark times that we find God most clearly. Didn't we all started our lives with nine months of darkness - in our monther's womb. That early darkness in our life was comforting and nurturing, a place to grow and develop, a dark place where we found security in not knowing, but in trusting.

Indeed it is dark times that we see and learn more. I have seen the light when I was there in my deepest fear and torment, how I wish that I could find the same inspiration and hope now that I am out of dimness.

Work in Progress

Anything that is subject for completion, as in pending road works, on-going house renovation, unfinished school project, in accounting, raw materials undergoing some manufacturing process. But perhaps the biggest example of work in progress is - life itself. Life that begins with conception, infancy, childhood, adolescence and so on and so forth and is weave with a slew of emotional tendencies and character originating with innocence. From there, an endless journey unfolds. So one can never be too sure or too complacent. For every minutes hold an opportunity to make or break. There are no certainties in life, which make it ever so changing, adapting and vulnerable. One can never be too careful or too careless, for any moment, calamity can overwhelm our happiness or overturn our sorrows.

Life without the ups and downs is boring. Only dead people beats their hearts flat. Before , I used to blame a lot of things for what's happening to me. I used to believe that it is not fair that some people must suffer while others flourish in abundance. I used to envy people who seems to enjoy their job despite their minimal salary. I used to question God why I have to go all these things when I haven't done anything wrong to anyone. Now I understand. Life without the ups and downs is boring. When you are always up there, you don't seem to see and appreciate the people who would catch you when you fall.

There is no permanent in our lives, not even happiness, love and security. But the good thing is, once you've lost or gave up something either by choice or by chance, you always have the opportunity to get it back and usually it comes with a free pack of lessons learned. They say for the second time, it's sweeter, it's lovelier and it's more appreciated. More than outgrowing our physicality, the work in progress that is life deals more with character formation, taking every bit of good seeds from the countless journeys that we may be in, be it on the green slopes, the stormy seas, the high mountains or the cold desert.

When I was still working with San Miguel, I thought that I would be doing that same job for the rest of my life. I thought that I would going to be a Megamall buddy until my legal retirement days. It never happened though.. Six years after spending time and drinking beer with Miguel, I went to Dubai to find a better fortune. Before that year ended however, I went back home with my pocket inside out. I was too childish then. The following year, I went back to Dubai for the second time and a year after, I was about to file for my life's biggest personal and emotional bankruptcy. Where is me now? I am still in Dubai and getting my myself back to business. I have learned how to dance with life. I have heartfully embraced the fact that I am human that I have to experience pain and pleasure, defiance and defeat and strength and arrogance at one point.

Right now, financially I have amounted myself to an unbelievable nothing! But in terms of character, I'd say that I am a whole lot better than yesterday. Life evolves constantly, there's no assurance that what you are holding right now will still be there the next morning. So for all who are down there, that's always a reason to look forward to. Life as a work in progress has no definite or fixed finished product, much less a period of when or where to become it. People going through the same difficulty may view their situation at different perspective. One may see it as a way to polish his weaknesses while another can see view it as a curse to give up his life. What we can evolved into depends greatly on how we take and accept the ways things happen and it always pay to be optimistic.

I'll Be

When it is about my mother, I could cry a bucket with the slightest provocation - just a mere thought or sight of the smallest thing that would remind me of her. That is how dear she is to me. Though many would certainly doubt the sincerity of my words, I know nonetheless deep in my heart what she is to me - without her, I would have died long ago or even if I choose to have lived, it would be one life without guidance and reasons. Not because it's Mother's Day that I am writing this entry, quite frankly lately, I have been missing my mother - so much and with so much pain.

It takes some courage for someone like me to admit that I am such a crybaby. Believe it, the toughie on the outside is from the inside soft as a roll of tissue paper that more often than not, gets overwhelmed by his tears and fears. There has been a lot of reasons that's dragging me down these days - tons heavier that what I am supposed to bear - without my dreams, without my family, without my mother, I would have given up long ago. It is because of her that I keep holding on. There is no single night when I go to bed that I don't think of her. I feel sorry for myself and sorry for her. I couldn't help it. That's all I can do for now. Imagine. Cry. Pray.

If not to completely vanquish me out of my human character, things are just about to get worst. Surely if I don't get ahead of all these conceivable forms of bad luck that's plaguing me, I don't know anymore what's going to happen to me. I aint got a job, aint got a home, I aint got money, I'm miles away from home, schools opening next month, loans are becoming due, my eyes are growing old with tears as age takes its toll. My family is a waiting. I am their hope. I could bear all the pains but it pains me to see that someone else is suffering beyond my own helplessness. When I think of my mother - it makes me weak and crushed to the soul. But in a few seconds I realize that I need to fight even harder.

My mother relationship with me isn't one that's sweet and cute. No words have to be uttered just to prove what's inside our hearts. The ties that bond us isn't made up of roses or chocolates, but of responsibilities and gratitude that shaped the persons that we are today. Her instinct when I am feeling down and sick is strong that she could feel it herself. When I was still in Manila and one time I suffered a very high fever from a swollen throat, my mother, through her gut feel she told my sister to call me up as she said she was suddenly struck by a thought that I wasn't fine. The moment that she has spoken to me, I felt that half of my pain was instantly relieved. I haven't been getting some decent sleep lately, with incessant tears always and constantly kissing me goodnight. I wonder how she has been doing lately, too.

My mother has brought me up in a way that I could only be forever grateful for. There were some absences and misses too but overall hers was a terribly good job. When I was growing up, I only had a simple dream, that is to help my family get out of poverty. I didn't make a promise. Naturally I felt that I just have to do that by all means possible. Now that I couldn't fulfill that, I just felt so scared. Sometimes when I go to bed, I was wishing to just die quietly in my dreams. But how can I do that? When each time that I have to close my eyes, the last thing on my mind is the thought of my mother, thinking of me in the same way that I do.

Truth to behold but it only takes one person to drive my life. The last time that I have spoken to my mother was two weeks ago, barely after six months of not telling her if was still alive or dead decomposed in the desert. She was crying with her first words and I was, after her last. She was so close to me that though we're talking over the celfone, I could felt her heart beating in bliss. I told her that I have nothing right now. "You have us.", she replied and I was gain in tears for the nth time. She's worried I know. And I don't have to know that just to inspire me to act and move on. I am getting there. No one else will be there for my family except me and I am going to make our dreams come true by all means. They are counting on me. Their hope. I'll be.

PBA0966s9r5r

Love of A Father

If there is one person in the world that I owe much of my life, it's gonna be my father. Though I have barely recognize that fact by paying gratitude, deep in my heart I know I owe this guy big time, that without him, I wouldn't be here either. I am not the showy type, not even to my mother whom I am little closer. My childhood orientation has prevented me from opening up even to my own parents. But that doesn't change anything, I know I am here because of them, not by chance but by choice and that the gratitude that I need to pay isn't something measurable and quantifiable.

When I started working, I assumed the responsibility of providing for all my family's needs. I was young then and I felt it too heavy to carry. I have to work doubly hard and my heart has turned to stone. Since then I have not spoken to my family as I used to do. I thought there wasn't much to talk about except that I need to earn. I had become materialistic. I thought that money is he only thing that my family needs and I have to make money, money for food, money for bills, money for clothes, money for grocery, money for everything. I blamed my father for everything that I had to do. He relinquished his duties too soon.

My ties with my family have gone farther and farther away from me, especially my father's. It pained me to see that I am working myself to death while they sit comfortably in front of the television day and night. I asked myself, am I now paying for all my debt? If so, why would it be so hard and so lumpy? Is there an easy terms? Can I temporary defer if I couldn't take it much longer? Too many questions. Why would I have to be my father's son?

I love my father, though there are circumstances when I feel bad about him like when he smokes and gets drunk. Those things aren't lasting and at the end of the day, I know he's still my father no matter what. My father loves me too, although we don't have any similarity except our diminishing hairline. Nonetheless, he has been good to me. I might not have inherited his good looks, but my wit and storytelling skills are undeniably two things he had passed me with.

It was him who feels proudest of my achievements; just the same, he carried my frustrations whenever I would lose my job or go home empty handed. He has never dictated me anything to do, he could only hoped for the best for things that he has never been given. He was very supportive. During my elementary days he would always escort me onstage to receive my medals during recognition. He wasn't the social type, but he would attend to the school every time it would call for a PTA meeting. He has not done that to my other siblings.

When I was younger and was starting to ride the bike, a neighbor's dog attacked me causing me to fell off the bike and bruised myself. My father saw all that and he hurried to help me. Then picked up the biggest stone he could get and he hit the canine, he was fuming and ready to kill the dog. The bruise soon healed but that moment I forever remembered.

When I was reviewing for the board exam, a month before the actual take, I lost my month's allowance to a knee high flood in San Juan where I was living back then. After the incident, I went back to the province and I told them what happened. Sadly I decided not to pursue my review anymore because I have not left anything more to spend. Hours later, my father gave me back the amount that I have lost, without even telling me where he borrowed that amount, he told me to go back to Manila and assumed that nothing tragic has really ever happened. In a month's time, I was a Certified Public Accountant.

There were still more wonderful things that my father has done to me, but they need not be mentioned for every father would have wanted only the best for their sons and daughters. My father terribly loves to drink with his circle of friends. When ho does, he would always make mention about my achievements, usually overboard and exaggerated. I get so irritated when he does that, but I realize it is his own way of telling everyone how proud he is for having me as a son, for having fulfilled a dream that he could only dreamed of.

Now my father is old but still I haven't tried to reach out. I am just too timid and awkward to ask him how he is and how has it been. I know he is tired of seeing me getting tired, but he wouldn't show it. I know he feels for my frustrations but he just won’t let me know it. He knows that if he does, it would just add up to my burden. Sometimes I would like to look into his eyes and say sorry for all my shortcomings and disregards. I could only pray to God that he be given more years to live so that I can make up for all my misses.

-0-

It's my father's birthday on the 27th. Wish I could say what my heart needs to say to my beloved father on this special day.

PBA09341r6r3

If Walls Could Talk

Lately I have been on a laughing spree, with cynical grin coagulating my prominent cheekbones. A masked man! A heart stubbed by my own scalpel. Behind the sweet smiles, the stubborn laughter and the unbending personal belief that I am fine, the truth just hurts that I am actually losing, like towering limestone cliffs gnarled by his own height. There were people knocking at my door, but I was far away. They were inviting and yelling, but thought it’s just another fancy game. The door was closed and I have lost people that I have loved.

Between the walls, there’s a vulnerable heart and hearts that hurting. Many hasty words and arrogant spiel were said to attenuate pride and smugness. It may seem it pleases me to hurt people who just want to take chance to love and get loved. It may looks like it, but its not. If only walls could talk, it would say that I have long been yearning for company. That I treasure people that comes my way and every night in my sleep I am wishing that I could bring back the moments that I have unjustly said goodbye and not say it. If walls could talk, it would say that I want them more. That though I might have said I have never needed friends, I was lying then.

If walls have eyes, it would bear witness of how I cherished all the precious moments I have spent with friends. It would show proof of how big is the space in my heart that I have allotted to clutch endearing memories that has remained aloof for so long. It would tell you how I have wept many times for all the neglect and desertion I have made to people who once loved me and yet I didn’t pay any reciprocated importance. It would divulge to you how miserable I have become since I let you go away and how desperate I have evolved just to find someone else to talk to and heed my tales. If walls have eyes, surely it wouldn’t have let it opened to see more of my sorrows and guilt.

If walls have ears, it would have heard many of my prayers where I asked the Lord to give my match. It would have listened intently every time I tried to mock myself for all the prejudice and intolerance I have shown to people. It would have noticed how frequently I talked to myself practicing the way I should react when I am with friends. It would have heard my many wishes to grant me patience and humility to accept the way people are and their propensity to commit flaws. If walls have ears, it would have fallen deaf with my countless whimpers and lamentations.

If walls could feel, it would feel for me and for the people on the other side. It would feel guilty, too and blame itself for all the ambiguity and misunderstanding between the people in its opposite sides. If walls are alive, they would have broken themselves down and torn themselves to pieces. That’s probably what they think they should do if only to cast away the barrier that forbid the emancipated trade of human emotions. If walls are alive and are made to do right things by themselves , they are dead broken by now.

People do certain things, not necessarily because its righteous, but because that’s just the way they know how. The wall that protects is the same wall that drives people away. To stand behind it and know in fascination what’s probably inside its corridor, isn’t an overnight thing to do. If walls could talk, It would probably say you wait.

Wanted: Best Friend Forever

Have you seen the film "I Love You, Man"? Well, I haven't, and even if I want, I couldn't, and even if I could, I wouldn't. Okay, stop. Enter Google. It's a story of a man who, upon getting engaged to the woman of his dreams, discovers, to his dismay and chagrin, that he has no male friend close enough to serve as his Best Man. He then immediately sets out to rectify the situation, embarking on a series of bizarre and awkward "man-dates," before finally meeting a charming, opinionated man with whom he instantly bonds. But the closer the two men get, the more his relationship with his fiance suffers, ultimately forcing him to choose between her and his new found "bro". It is a story that comically explores what it truly means to be a "best friend."

Jason Segel gives Paul Rudd a concert bro-hug in "I Love You, Man"

I am not about to get married, as you might start to think. Ask my mother about it and she'll slap you in the face with a 2x2 inches thick coco lumber. So, what gives the idea? Well, it happens sometimes when you are in great emotions, like when you are in profound joys or blinding sorrows that you gotta realize the things that brought you to where you are, the things hat keep you holding on and the things that you miss. I am in pain and deterioration right now, I know exactly why and how. My dreams for my family keep me holding on. The things that I miss, too long for his paragraph to list.

I miss my family. They do miss me, too. I hope. I miss my friends back home. They, too. I supposed without a doubt. I MISS A BEST FRIEND. I don't expect o be missed at all. I ain't got ONE. When time comes that I need to settle down, surely getting a BEST MAN will be a dilemma as well. But before we worry the future, let's take a look at the past. I grew up alone. The comfort and complacency that I have found in solitude has never clouded me to feel the need for a 'BUDDY" apart from my shadow. During my late teenage years, however, before I finished college, before I finally separated myself from the curse of studies, I felt my human side longing for company. Sadly, time has changed.

Tired of feeling all by myself, being so different from everyone else...

The basic foundation for a genuine friendship has already passed me by - innocence. The needle in the haystack has been lost out in the vast and endless sea. I don't know where to begin. The more I look for it, the more it gets hidden. The accidental acquaintances from office, boarding houses and places of interests that I have turned to friends just couldn't take the place of a one true BEST FRIEND. Someone close enough to be a brother, keeper of secrets and partner in crime. No one seem to walk in the same wavelength as mine, someone who doesn't smoke, doesn't drink, doesn't enjoy life, someone who loves arts, who ardors movies and enjoys nature. Incompatibility kept me far. I am looking for it, I forgot big time , though, that it is the opposite that attracts.

I wished someday I could also find someone to say "I Love You, Man" without malice. Someone who represents the freedoms most men hesitate to give themselves, maybe through fear of ending up alone, arrested or locked inside behavior that looks fun when you're young but crazy when you're older. I wished I could also find that LOVE that doesn't speak its name - that of one straight guy for another.

Here I Go Again

Here I go again
After spending some time in hiatus from reading and writing
After running away from happiness and home
After estranging myself from family and friends
After slipping into a deep manhole of misery and afflictions
After shredding off ,y skin to assume a deceitful metamorphosis
After falling in disgrace with fortune and men's eyes

Here I go again
After the wages of incorrigibility, distrust and impatience
Comes the punishment, the frustrations, the tragedies and the failures
After sowing seeds of irreverence, ignorance, stubbornness and the unfading belief that life would always be good
Comes the harvest of heartaches, pains, tears and lesson learned

Here I go again
While I still am down there
I chose to MOVE ON
For the earth will never stand still no matter where we are at
The sun will continue to rise no matter how hard the rain falls
The moon will continue to shine despite the darkest hours that we may face to battle
The flowers will not cease to bloom despite the gravest of our sorrows and emotions
The birds will unstoppably soar the sky though all our hopes seem lost in the bottom of the sea
The spiders will continuously make their webs even though we may believe that ours is broken

So here I go again
Extending my arms from where I realize the true meaning of life
That life can't be forever good and serving
That we have to experience a fall so we can learn to bounce back
That life is a circle, sometimes we have to be down so we can look up

While I still am down there
I decided to MOVE ON
For if don't, no one will ever care
Because...

"When you smile, the world smiles at you,
Weep and you weep alone."

That I Would be Grateful

If I consider myself unfortunate, having nothing in my bank account and having lost my job and a bit of my sanity, how would i call a girl who sells sampaguita under the falling rain or a man with crippled arm whose job is to sell bottled water under the seething sun? How would i call a boy whose job is to call passengers to take the waiting jeep or a family whose livelihood deals with selling stick foods along the busy sidewalk? If I am not lucky enough to live the life that i want, how muck unlucky are the people who doesnt have a house to call a home or those people who works for a petty sum and away from their families? How much unlucky are the people who are not able to read and write or those people whose dinner depends on how much sticks of cigarettes their father would have sold at the end of the day?

Having realized that, now tell me where would i get the guts to feel sorry, complain and say that i am unfortunate? There are a lot of people out there who suffers more than i do. There are plenty of families out there who have to deal with difficulties greater than mine. Everyday, we could see their stories on television and they are not even complaining. Rather, they take life for what it is, just hoping that someday life would reward their perseverance and hardships. It made me realized that i have a lot of things to be thankful for. Ive got family, friends, home. education and the experience to succeed. One failure should not be enough to let us down.

So it brings to my psyche the responsibility to stay humble and to be grateful for everything that i have. Not only that, it opened my eyes to the wonderful truth that life itself is something that is worth fighting for, if we will just look at it through the eyes of a child or those unfortunate enough to live a life the way i am living it. My suffering is nothing compared to them. Their lives have never been as rewarding as mine. They have stumbled and has taken the hardest of fall but they are still standing and fighting. I have once deal with an unnecessary stress and i feel like giving up. Now, dont you think i might just be acting a little exaggerated? A ruby is not well polished without rubbing it, just the same, a man is not perfected without trials.

Awit ng Puso

Natulog ako kanina nang alas singko ng umaga, nagising ako nang bandang alas dose. Ngayun alas kwatro na nang hapon. Time, i've been passing time. Ganun lang yun? Ganun na lang ba yun? Naubos ang isang araw nang wala man lang nangyari. Wala man lang tumawag? O di kaya nagreply na email patungkol sa aking mga trabahong inaplayan. Where is the love? Karma na ba to? Beh buti nga? Pinagdidiskitahan ba ako ng tadhana at lahat ng mga tao at bagay na ginago ko dati? Ito na ba ang kabayaran sa aking di mabilang na kautuan at kawalan ng hustisya sa kapwa? Masyado naman yatang mabigat at halata. Please be good to me. Masakit sa dibdib.

Nakakapagtaka. Nakakalungkot. Kung kailan pa bilang na ang mga araw ko eh saka pa ako dinededma ng mga trabaho. Kailangan kita. Magaling naman ako ah. Dati pinagkakaguluhan ako, ako pa ang namimili kung saan ako magtratrabahong kompanya. Ngayun, ultimo mo tawag, text o email eh wala akong matanggap. Natatakot na ba sila sa akin? Nakakasindak ba ang aking resume? Nakakaligalig ba ang aking credentials? Naisip ko minsan baguhin na lang ang nilalaman ng aking qualifications para lang may pumansin sa akin. Balat kayo pala. Masyado yata kasing high profile at kung iisipin ang aking madalas na paglipat ng kompanya, may kadudaduda pa? May dapat ba silang ikabahala o ikatakot? Marami.

Masagwa ang pakiramdam ko ngayun, nagmamalaki ngunit gusto kong maluha. Wala man lang akong mapaghingahan ng saloobin, yung taong makakaunawa at kakampi sa akin kahit na kunwari lang. Wala si Michael Jackson para sabihing "you are not alone" o kahit si Steven Bishop na magsabing "i will be here". Malamang sumaya na ako kahit papaano kung makita si Monica para magsabing "for you i will".

Nawawalan na ba ako ng kinang na parang bituing walang ningning? Masyado na ba akong naging notorious at pasaway? Humaba na nga ba ang aking sungay at kailangan nang putulin? Mukhang di na yata ako mabenta. Lost in space na nga ba ako? Ang sama naman nang timing. Lahat sa akin ay umiwas, parang kanta ni Whitney Houston, "all at once". Hindi ko alam kung kaya akong mapaniwalain ni Mariah Carey at sabihing, "i can make it throught he rain, i can stand up once again" o kaya eh ni R. Kelly sabay dribble to the tune of "i believe i can fly, i believe i can touch the sky".

Si Wency Cornejo nagtatanong kung "Hanggang" kailan ko ba kakayaning maniwala kay Gloria Gaynor na "i will survive" o kay Laarni Lozada pag sinabi niyang "manalig ka, malapit na". Meron ba akong sapat na "power of the dream" galing kay Celine Dion para maitodo ko ang pag emote na "my heart will go on" ala Charice Pempengco. Sana nga makaya ko to. Gabi na marahil sa inyo, sana sa inyong pagtulog eh isama niyo ako sa inyong mga panalangin at magdilang anghel, "i pray you'll be our eyes and watch us where we go, and help us to be wise in times when we don't know".

Ligalig

Biling-baligtad. Balisa. Napagod ang buwan sa haba ng gabi. Hindi man lang dumalaw at nagpaunlak ang antok. Sa muling pagmulat ng talukap ng aking mga mata, maliwanag na ang paligid, umaga na...

Hindi ako pinagpahinga ng aking isip. Tuliro. Bilanggo. Bago kasi magdilim, tumawag ang kompanyang aking dating pinagtratrabahuhan upang ipabatid sa akin na nakansel na raw ang aking residence visa. Ibig sabihin, wala na akong karapatan na manatili sa Dubai pagkatapos ng 30 days na grace period. Liban na lang kung ako eh makakahanap ng panibagong trabaho na mag-iisponsor ng aking panibagong residence visa.

Mahirap ang pakiramdam nang ganun. Para kang may taning. Parang pelikula, bilang na ang araw mo. Nakakapressure. Nakakatense. Nakakaligalig. Ano mang pilit kong iwaksi ang naturang usapin sa ang aking isipan ay hindi ko magawa. Paano na ako? Ano ang aking gagawin? Malambot at malamig ang aking hinihigan, pero ramdam ko ang balisa, lungkot, paghihinayang, kawalan ng pag-asa. Hindi ko makuhang pumikit. Hindi ko mahawakan ang puso ko. Hindi ko madiktahan ang isip kong magpahinga na muna at saka na mamroblema.

Hindi ko alam kung saan ako uulo, kung saan ko ilalagak ang aking mga pasmadong kamay. Patagilid, patihaya, padapa. Wala akong maaninag sa madilim kong paraiso. Habang ang lahat ay mahimbing na nananaginip ng masayang mga pangyayari, ako'y dilat sa sariling diwa punong puno ng bagabag at sana naman. Nag-iisip ako ng maaari kong gawin, mga hakbangin dapat kong umpisahan para hindi ako matalo sa laban na ito. Ayokong sumuko. Ayakong patalo. Ayokong pagtawanan. Ayokong kaawaan. Hindi ako loser.

Nagbalot ako ng kumot baka sakaling maikubli ko rin ang aking nasasakal at pagod sa paglalakbay na isipan. Hindi ko mawari. Kakadating ko lang mula sa isang napakahabang paglalakad pero walang akong nararamdamang pisikal na pagod. Namamayani ang aking pagninilay nilay sa masamang balita na kung tutuusin ay ako rin naman ang may-gawa.

Malikot ang aking pagkakahiga. Balisa higit pa sa aking dinadalang kapalaran. Ayaw magpatulog ng gabi at ng kanyang mga alipores. Dumadamay ba o sadyang namimwisit? Masakit, nakakairita, ramdam ko ang paggapang nila sa aking mga binti. Mabilis kumilos pero mahirap tukuyin kung nasaan. Sadyang mailap ang kapayapaan ng gabi para sa akin. Idagdag mo pa ang mga pesteng surot na animoy nagproprotesta kung bakit ako'y gising pa. Salamat na lang sa aking masaklap na kapalaran na hindi nagpatulog sa akin. Hindi ko nahayaang sipsipin ng mga surot na yun ang aking dugo at baltikan ang aking bugbog na kawatan.

Such a Lovely Place, Such a Lonely Place

A lot of Filipinos are still dying to get to Dubai, despite government's implementation of a more costly and strict visa and labor rules. Some would even sell their properties or mortgage their lands back home for a chance to work in Dubai. And why not? Dubai is probably one of the few places in the world where the global financial crunch is hardly felt. The lucrative construction and property business is making the night day and transforming the once all-sand city into an ultra modern oasis of soaring skyscrapers, magnificent artificial islands and center of entertainment, cultural, shopping and business activities.

Dubai is fast becoming a tourist's haven, just as what the government has wanted. Ten million arrivals in two years time, ambitious! But very achievable considering Dubai's current attractions and superlative offerings. Guiness should place an ofice here. Dubai is moving the earth to the seas and the seas inside the sprawling desert lands. Handsomely insane and ridiculously genius! That what makes Dubai different and lovely.

As development, at its grandest scale and scope, continue to shape and transform Dubai, thousand of jobs is also something that will not cease to continue. And that is what attracts thousand of Filipinos to leave their homes and their hearts for a piece of gold in the desert. The truth just hurts that what a Sales Manager can earn in the Philippines, can be received just as much by an ordinary salesman/saleslady here in Dubai.

But aside from sources of living, Dubai indeed has gone a long way from being a creek-based trading mecca twenty years ago. Now, it stands in the forefront of sustainable and landscaped engineering never to be found elsewhere. It is a newly built city founded on a resilient conservative culture. An amazing feat considering that modernity usually contradict the very source of Dubai's existence. But here it blends well and the result is an amazing kaleidoscope of people, buildings, nature and life.

But while a lot of people back home wishes to set their feet to Dubai with high hopes of landing a better job, one soul in this enticing land of sands, seas and sun is searching for purpose. While everyone else is pretty contended and basking their efforts in their highly prized jobs, he quit without reasons. Despite the immeasurable joys he could find with what surrounds him, he chose to see the minute details of what would make him uncomfortable and incomplete.

The thrilling sights that Dubai has to offer has passed before his eyes. In two days, the world's biggest shopping mall, the Dubai Mall, is opening to public. It would have been exciting to be there when it happens. But what will he do there? Buy clothes? If he does, who will tell him that he has chosen the right clothes. Take a picture of himself? Watch group of people passes by? He had enough of desolation and loneliness. The lovely place that is Dubai, with all its opportunities and wonders, isn't enough to brighten up his cold heart that has long longs for company.

Hindi Ako si Superman!

Kung makakaharap ko si Boy Abunda at tatanungin niya ako kung ano ang sasabihin ko sa taong makikita ko sakaling humarap ako sa kanyang mahiwagang salamin, ito lang mga katagang aking bibitawan, "MAHIRAP ANG MAGING IKAW!".

Akala lang ng tao madali. Tingin lang ng tao masaya. Mababaw. Magaan. Carry lang. Easy-go-lucky. Pero hinde! Hinde! Hinde! Sana nga ganun na lang eh. Sana na nga pero malayo yun sa katotohanan. Miles away. Malaki at magulo ang loob ng bahay kung ikukumpara sa simple at makulay nitong harapan. Oo, mapagkunwari ako dahil ang totoo, malalim ang sugat, maraming problema, mahaba ng listahan ng sama ng loob, mabigat ang saloobin, nakakalula ang aking responsibilidad. Magaling lang akong magtago, magkubli, magpanggap. Dahil ayokong mapagtawanan, kutyain at kaawaan ako ng sinuman.

Matalino akong tao, super, pero may mga bagay akong hindi ko makuhang pag-aralan, matutuhan at maunawaan. Sa dinami dami ng mga nalalaman ko, bakit hindi ko alam kung paano ba ang magmahal? Kung paaano magpahalaga sa kaibigan? Kung bakit ako nag-iisa? Isang malaking sampal sa akin ang hindi ko man lang makuhang mapagtagumpayan ang mga bagay na ito gayung sila yung walang hinihinging reviewer, calculator, exam, projects at tuition fee. Di ba masakit? Parang balewa rin lahat ng kung anuman ang nakasulat aking nakadisplay na diploma. Dahil sa pinakasimpleng bagay na sana ay dapat una kong napag-aralan at naisabuhay, eh zero ang aking naging marka.

Marami akong kayang gawin, talento sabi nga nila. Marunong akong magpinta at gumuhit. Maganda ang aking pag-sulat at mahusay akong mag-lettering. Creative. Kakaiba ang aking tinig, magaling akong maghost. Marami akong alam na lutuin. Maagan ang aking mga kamay sa paghahalaman. Mataas ang aking sense of humor. Pero malakas din ang aking topak at madalas yan din ang dahilan kung bakit lalong nagiging mahirap na maging ako.

Topak-yan na siguro ang tawag sa pinagsama samang pride, self confidence, inggit, guilt, inis, at pagkapikon na nang sumobra na eh sumabog at naghasik ng masamang kapalaran. Mahirap pigilan ang topak, kasi yun ang alam nating tama. Oo jobless ako ngayun, nagresign ako sa twork with immediate effectivity for no reasons at all. Tinopak lang. Ngayun, hindi ko alam ang gagawin ko. Masalimuot pero hindi nakakapagsisi. Ako yun eh. Alam ko walang trabaho sa Pinas na magpapasweldo sa akin ng mahigit P130,000 tax free buwan buwan pero pinili ko pa rin magresign nang walang pupuntahan. Bakit? Kasi yun ako. Topakin. Ginagawa kung ano ang gustong gawin. Walang tanong tanong. Walang pag-aalinlangan. Mahirap ang maging ganun di ba? Mahirap ang maging ako.

Masuwerte daw ako pagdating sa paghahanap ng trabaho, oo nga naman, napatunayan ko yan nang maraming beses. Magaling din kasi akong mambola sa interview at hanep din naman ang laman ng aking resume. Pamatay ika nga. Sad to say, hindi ang maging CPA, Financial Analyst, SAP and Microsoft Office expert, Budgeting Consultant at kung ano ano pang chuva ang gusto kong gawin sa buhay ko. Kaso kailangang kong kumayod para punan ang pangangailangan pinansiyal ng aking pamilya at don ako nawawalan ng choice. Mahirap gawin ang isang bagay ma alam mong ayaw mo pero kailangan mong gawin dahil yun ang mapagkakakitaan. Minsan nawawalan na rin ako ng pride at napapalitan ng self-pity.

Komo't nakapagtrabaho ako sa malalaking kompanya sa Pilipinas at nakapag-abroad, akala ng tao eh napakayaman ko na. Mahirap maging OFW. Hindi ba nila alam kung gaano kahirap magtrabaho nang malayo sa pamilya at makipagsapalaran kasama ang hindi mo kalahi? Akala nila masaya dahil malaki ang kita. Minsan malaki ang kita pero minamaliit ka naman sa trbaho. Di bale na lang. Nakakalungkot pero tinitiis ko ang mga pag-iisa para lang makapagpadala. Mahirap din yun.

Tumatanda na rin ako. Pero kung aking lilingunin ang aking mga pinagdaanan, wala akong maatandaang nakilala ko, nakamayan ko, nakasama ko sa saya at lungkot. Wala man lang akong nakindatan o natsangsingan. Tapos ngayun, yung iba eh nagtatanong bakit hindi pa raw ako nag-aasawa. Oo nga naman. Pero subukan niyo kayang itanong yan sa Nanay ko. Malamang sumama ang loob niya sa inyo kasi alam niyang ako lang ang makakatulong sa aking mga kapatid na makapagtapos ng pag-aaral. Hirap noh?

Kung titingnan mo ako, parang wala akong problema, palaging nakangiti, gasta lang gasta, madaling kausap, walang problema. Pero sa loob ko para akong kastilyong buhangin na natitibag kahit sa mahihinang alon. Pero pinipilit kong huwag ipakitang ako'y marupok at nawawalan ng pag-asa. Hindi ganun si Superman. Yun kasi ang tingin sa akin ng iba eh. Super galing, super sa lahat ng bagay, hindi nagkakasakit, hindi umaaray, hindi tumatanggi, laban lang laban, go lang nang go. Nung una masaya ako, inspired kasi parang ang taas ng tingin ng tao sa akin, pero kamalaunan, naramdaman ko na ang bigat, mahirap pa lang maging si Superman. Maging si Superman ay mayroon ding kahinaan.

Tao lang ako. Parang ikaw parang kayo. May puso, nasasaktan. May balat na nasusugatan. Hindi ko naman sinasabi to para majustify ang aking mga pagkukulang at kung ano man ang hindi magagandang bagay na ginagawa ko. Dati, sobrang thankful ako at proud na biniyayaan ako ni Lord ng maraming talents, pero mahirap din pala itong pangatawanan. Minsan, nakakapagod, nakakasawa, nakakaiyak. Minsan naisip ko na lang na maging kapantay ng karamihan, para walang ganung pressure at expectations. Kasi sa totoo lang mahirap ang maging Superhero sa pelikula lalo na sa tunay na buhay. Mahirap ang maging ako, lalo na't hindi naman ako si Superman.

Maagang Halloween

Kagabi, mag-aalas otso na pero wala pa rin akong kasama sa bahay. Pauwi pa lang marahil ang aking mga kasambahay buhat sa kanilang mga trabaho. Dangan kasi'y wala akong pasok kaya maghapon lang akong nakakulong sa bahay. Nakakainip. Nakakasorya. Naubos na lang ang oras ko sa kung anu anong bagay: kakalaro kay teddy bear; kakapiris ng nakakabwisit na surot; kakakulangot; kakatambay sa aming veranda habang nakatingin sa malayo, nag-iisip kung ano kaya ang aking ginagawa sana kung ako eh nasa Pinas kasama ang aking pamilya.

Buong maghapon ang lumipas nang hindi ko man lang naiyapak ang aking paa sa labas ng aming paraisong kurtina. Isang maliit na ilaw lang ang nakasindi sa aming kwarto na para bang nagsasabing "patayin mo na ako nang wala ka nang makita.." Makulimlim ang paligid ng silid. Malamig. Tahimik. Ako'y nag-iisa dahil wala akong kasama. Pero ramdam ko sa aking puso ang higit na kalungkutan dahil alam kong kahil lumabas ako ng aming bahay eh wala rin naman ako maaaring makasama dahil wala naman akong kaibigan dito sa Dubai.

Alam kong malapit na akong magMMK moment na naman kaya nagpasya akong magliwaliw at maglakad lakad sa pinakamalapit na mall. Madalang din ang tao sa mall, siguro kasi ay unang araw ng linggo at kakatapos lang ng weekend. Mahaba pa ang gabi. Wala akong maisip na matatambayan o mapaglilibangan man lang nang mag-isa. Nagpasya akong manuod na lang ng sine, tutal matagal tagal na rin naman akong hindi nakakapanuod. Hindi kagandahan ang mga palabas pero wala akong choice tutal nandon na rin lang ako. Bumili ako ng tiket para sa pelikulang Boogeyman 2 (2007 pa ito pero ngayun ipinalabas sa Dubai). Alam kong horror movie 'to kasi parang napanuod ko yata ang part 1 nire sa Megamall. Anyway eh malapit naman na ang Holloween so okey lang na takutin ko ang sarili ko paminsan minsan.

Limang minuto na ang itinatakbo ng pelikula nang ako ay pumasok. Maliit lang ang sinehan pero sobrang dilim. Matagal akong nakatayo sa likurang bahagi habang nag-aantay ako ng maliwanag na eksena para makahanap ng mauupuan. Nang lumiwanag ang paligid, tumambas sa akin ang halos bakanteng upuan. Walang tao sa loob! At manunuod ako ng horror film nang mag-isa! Nalungkot ako at natakot. Hindi dahil nakakatakot ang palabas kundi dahil wala man lang akong kasamang matatakot sa tuwing may eksenang papatayin ng Boogeyman ang mga bida sa pelikula. Umupo ako sa gitna ng sinehan. Habang nanonood akong mag-isa, balot ako ng lamig at kaba, kasi baka kako may taong nanunuod sa akin sa aking kaliwa, sa kanan pati na sa aking likuran. Baka kaso bigla na lang akong saksakin at iwanang duguan sa loob ng sinehan. Walang kamalay malay at wala nang buhay.

Balisa akong nanuod, naramdahan ko talaga ang takot sa puso ko. Gusto ko na agad matapos ang palabas para ako'y makasulyap ng liwanag at konting init dahil talaga naman malamig sa loob. Pagkatapos ng pelikula, derecho akong umuwi ng bahay, humiga at muling tumingala sa makulimlim na ilaw, gustong pumatak ng aking mga luha. Kulang dalawang oras din akong nawala sa bahay pero wala pa rin ni isa ang dumating. Wala man lang makausap. Walang mapagbidahan ng aking panunuod ng sineng mag-isa. Malalim ang aking mga buntong hininga pero hungkag ang aking diwa. Bigla kong namiss ang pamilya at mga kaibigan ko sa Pinas.

Ilang linggo pa bago ang halloween pero parang ngayun pa lang eh ramdam ko na ang lungkot at takot. Takot na palaging mag-isa. Takot na masiraan ng ulo dahil sa kawalan ng makakausap.

To Whom Much is Given, Much is Expected

I came across this phrase one time while i was watching the telecast of the 2007 Emmy Awards. The show was giving honor to those television programs whose phenomenal success has enabled them to reach out far beyond the boob tube entertaionment. One show that was recognized for that higher purpose was the spin off of American Idol called Idol Gives Back, the top rating American show fund raising extravaganza thats featured performances of its past winners and finalists. The proceeds from the show were used to help children and young people in extreme poverty in the U.S. and in Africa. It was the Idol's way of sharing its success to those who have made the show enjoyed tremendous viewerships all through out its season runs.

Right there in front of the television set, I was kinda raised three feet above my seat. I am not alone. I am not carrying a burden. I am not living my life in vain. More than paying it forward when someone does you good and Spidey theme with great powers come great responsibility, it is truth lending to the timeless biblical truth that to whom much is given, much is expected. An individual who has been blessed by any means, like by earning support from other people, being gifted with good upbringing, great in born talents or physical wealth, making good a shot at once in a lifetime opportunity or simply being on top of his chosen field of endeavor, has the inherent responsibility to share to those less blessed and pay back those people whom he owe his way of success.

If only i have realized this earlier in life, it wouldnt have been that hard growing up and understanding why things have always have to be like this and why i have always have to do this and do that. You see, in my family, I was the only one whos lucky enough to finish schooling and to have that chance to land a decent job. So the responsibility to support my family has rested in my shoulder since then. When I was still in school, whenever there's quiz competitions, I would always be the school representative and everybody's expecting me to bring the gold medal. Back then, I have found it a little unfair to live up to the pressure. I was thinking, if this was the price I have to pay for the gift of knowledge, then I'd rather be braindead.

Life is never fair and not all men are created equal. Some are born with a silver platter and others have to work their way out of poverty. Some are born with great talents and others have to be contented with their pretty faces. To whom a little much is given, a little more is expected. God won't give us cross we cannot bear. Great tasks are given to those with big hearts enough to make a difference in other people's lives.

Now I realized more than ever how good it feels when you give back and being able to share what is shared to you. Its bitter sweet especially if the road you travelled has been long and muddy. Only it is essential to note that we live with purpose, far apart from achieving our own. Succes is never personal and it has never been the end, it is only a means of achieving a higher purpose to which a meaningful existence would equate to. American Idol has proven to be one of the most successful show on the planet and its find raising efforts has served its purpose beyond loud screams and glitter lights. Spiderman's powers has been regarded as a curse for it has sidelined its personal happiness but its the same powers that has kept peace and justice to his community. I have been blessed with the gift of knowledge anchored with some respectable talents. The road to a better life could be long and winding, but a will try my best to be of help to my family and loved ones no matter what it takes.

We don't have to be "successful," only valuable. We don't have to make money, only a difference, and particularly in the lives society counts least and puts last

-William Sloane Coffin

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