Letting Go

“Ayaw mo na ba talaga sa akin?”, sambit niya habang nakalapit ang kanyang mga labi sa aking mga tainga. Naglalakad kami non patungo sa lugar kung saan kami maghihiwalay ng landas. “Hindi mo na ba ako gusto?”, ukilkil niya.”Hindi ba kailan lang ay nangako kang magsasama tayo sa hirap at ginhawa, kahit na pumuti pa ang hibla ng ating mga buhok”. Hindi ako nakaimik. Tama siya. Hindi ko napanindigan ang aking mga salita. Tinalikuran ko ang aking pangako. Subalit ako man ay naguguluhan din. Ilang hakbang pa ay naroroon na kami, kinukutya ako ng pagdadalawang isip. Gusto ko rin siya. Pero hindi kami nararapat na magsama sa pagkakataong ito. Ayaw makisama ng tadhana. Kailangan kong mamili. Siya o ang aking kinabukasan.

Mahirap ang pumili. Lalong mahirap kung may masasaktan at may maiiwanan. Hindi sapat ang sabihin magkikita naman tayong muli o nandito lang ako. Mahirap ibalik ang panahon. Bakit nga ba kailangan pang mamili? Dahil may pamantayan ang mundong ating ginagalawan. Hindi lahat ng matamis, hindi lahat ng masaya ay tama. Hindi lahat nang bagay ay uukol sa panahon. Kaya kahit masakit, kahit may panghihinayang. Kahit alam kong matatagal bago ko siya muling makita at makasama, sa pagkakataong ito, kailangan ko munang bumitiw.

Maging ikaw marahil ay nagpaunlak na rin sa ganitong siwtasyon. Kung saan kailangan mong bitawan ang isang bagay kahit alam mong napalapit na siya sa iyo at mahal mo na siya. Hindi gusto ng magulang mo ang iyong kasintahan. Kailangan mong pansamantalang lumayo sa iyong pamilya dahil ikaw ay magtratrabaho sa ibang bansa. Umiwas muna sa lovelife para makapagconcentrate sa pag-aaral. O pagpaparaya sa taong minamahal dahil mayroon na siyang ibang itinitibok ng puso. Masakit kung iisipin, pero kung tutuusin, para naman sa kabutihan ng lahat ang pagpaparaya at pagsasakripisyo.

Kinabig ko ng pintuang salamin ng aming pupuntahan, buo na ang aking pasya. Nakita ko ang aking sarili pati na rin siya na tila balot ng pagsusumamo. Hinawakan ko siya nang pahaplos, isang pagpaparamdam na hindi naman kami maghihiwalay nang tuluyan, pansamantala lang habang ako ay naghahanap ng kinabukasan. Alam kong maikli na rin lang ang panahon ilalagi niya sa mundo pero wala akong magagawa. Kelangan ko siyang bitawan at iwaksi sa aking paningin. Hindi magiging maganda kung makikita pa kami ng tao na magkasama, tiyak na makakasira sa aking plano, at yun ang pinakamahalagang bagay sa akin ngayun. Sana ay mapatawad niya ako.

Ilan saglit pa ay umupo ako at binalutan ng kapa. Ayoko sanang tumingin pero hindi ko magawa. Unti unti na siyang nawawala sa aking paningin at pakiramdam. Pahina nang pahina ang kanyang mga bulong. Hanggang ilang minuto lang ang lumipas, ako’y nakawala sa kanyang anino. Wala na siya, pinakawalan ko na siya......

Ending:

Sa pagtalikod ko sa salamin nang mag-isa, isang sulyap pa ang aking inalay sa kanyang pinatunguhan. Nagkalat na sa sahig ang hibla ng aking mga buhok na parang kailan lang ay pinangarap kong pahabain sana kasabay ng aking mga pangarap.

-0-

Pero ok na rin, bagay naman sa akin ang bago kong hairdo. Saka kailangan talagang gupitin kasi kumukulot na siya eh marami pa naman akong job interviews ngayun.:-)

The Man I Am Missing

I am missing someone. It’s been a long time since I’ve been with this guy. I remember years ago, he was thin, pale, quiet, unadorned and very conservative. Looking back to the old days, he had simple aspirations in life, that is, to be of help to his family by finishing college and landing a job probably as an architect or a nurse. He had no friends except me and he had brought all his focus in honing the talents that God has given him (damned!, this guy got a basket of natural gifts). He used to speak less though I knew his heart was full of stories to tell.

We had no earlier pictures together, he’s very camera shy, he thinks he’s hideous.

After college, we parted ways. I left him actually, not because I needed to but because I wanted to. He’s too boring for a mate. He didn’t know anything beyond the most complex algebraic expressions or the elements that most commonly present in the atmosphere. He lived his life with books and the imaginary characters he found therein. He didn’t play any sports. He didn’t wear jeans. He had never been to a mall until I invited him one time during our second year in college. My god! He’s a hermit living in a cave of closed identity. He had lived a simple life but I had never once heard him complain or protest why others have to be more blessed.

Yeah, he maybe so probinsiano, but he’s way better than anyone you could ever find in the metro.

That’s what I had liked about him. Yes, he’s too corny but he’s true. He never lied, he never doubted anything that people told him, he’s very smart yet humble, he’s mysterious, he’s very different. When I came to Manila to work, I did change. I have liked all the new found things that I have not seen in the province and when I was still with him, the huge malls, branded clothes, gadgets, new friends and too many others to mention. I forgot about him just as my Friendster friends keep on growing. Then for a long time, I have not seen him. I don’t know if he’s dead already. There was no news of it.

He disappeared to anonymity, never took his college dreams and then..a news blackout.

So many years passed, I had not heard about him. How I wished I could have given him some complimentary gifts when I was still with San Miguel or invited him to the many occasions that I have spearheaded in our house. How I wished I could have talked to him and just simply take a trip down memory lane. But where is he? Now I am here in Dubai and friends are too hard to find, after so many things that have transpired, after dropping him from my priority list, after denying him a chance to go with the flow, after letting him alone, after leaving him lonely, his thoughts and character suddenly graced my imagination.

He was forgotten, but his character lingered somewhere at the back of my mind.

Could I be missing him? well, I must admit I am. But why? Maybe I got tired of the lights and the modern times and I am looking for some peace and truthfulness . I know he is not that hard to find, only if I will look closer and deeper within myself. I miss him, yeah, I am missing the man I used to be.

Laugh a Lot, Cry a Little

Eid Mubarak! Yesterday, the festivities of Eid-Al-Fitr begun. After twenty nine days of fasting and exclusion from wordly affairs, the crescent moon, which signals the end of the Holy month of Ramadan, has finally revealed itself, shedding off the Muslim community's sobre cape and ushering three days of mad and luscious celebration.

Ironically, after an uneventful and miserable day at the office (we were not spare of office though it's holiday), I went home with nothing in mind to do for the rest of the day. I just thought of spending time to give my site a make-over. It would be very timely since its Eid anyway, the Muslim's equivalent of New Year. As I was about to turn my laptop on, my celfone rang. It was an old friend and she was inviting me to go malling. I really felt heavy on my feet cause I know the mall's gonna be crowded to welcome the first day of Eid. But for old time's sake, I decided to meet her up.

It's been three months since we've last seen each other. Oh well, she hasn't changed a bit, physically and I hope, spiritually. She's still locquacious in her loud earthquake triggering voice and reactive in her predominantly "ayaw patalo" attitude. She's still always trying to outshine me in every subject of conversation that pops out of our head. Blame it on her blood, "kapampangan kasi" and she might very well be my last Kapampangan friend here in Dubai "na hindi ko pa inaaway nang tuluyan". "Ewan ko ba?", whenever we have misunderstanding, "nagkakabati rin kami palagi". Maybe because we know it's not easy to just forget "yung pinagsamahan namin kahit papaano", ooopppps without malice, we were really really "good friends dati".

We went to Dubai Festival City and just as I have anticipated, mammoth crowd has made the giant mall seemed like a jam packed arena waiting for a full blast football championship games. There wasn't hardly any space to walk through. Everyone was smiling, screaming, shouting, shopping and dining. During that moment, the place lived up to its name, undoubtedly.

As for myself, I was able to buy two bottles of perfume at a discounted price courtesy of her company ID. Then after that, we had ice cream over another set of gibberish conversations. There were lots of laughs, observing and mocking someone else's dress, fat bellies and oh! those plunging necklines, the skimpy outfits, the boobs, the muscles, the bottocks, etc. We can only laugh in their excesses rather than feel sorry for our deficiencies. Then we watched a boring laser light show and a not-so-impressive fireworks display. At ten p.m., I felt it's time to go home. I had no idea that a spoil was waiting in the taxi stand.

Our number was 200 cars away from being served. While waiting, we played some kind of "name that tune" game. That is, naming the title of he song being played on her Ipod. After roughly getting through all the songs saved on her Ipod, our que number was still a hundred cars away. Time to take a decent seat, a hundred cars could mean another hour of waiting. Then someone, a guy from Uzbekistan sat near me and he opened up a nice conversation. When he saw a child, walking upfront, he said that he also has a son back home in Uzbekistan and he kinda missed him. Then I asked him where was his country located, he said it's in Central Asia previously forming part of the USSR. Then I asked him if it's anywhere near Kazakhtan, he said their share borders. I even asked him if he knew Borat and he said Borat was also quite popular in his country. He did even mention that he almost died laughing when Borat wore that green one piece bikini in his movie. I said that was indeed hilarious. Then he asked me where are we going home and if he could go with us as his que would take him another hour to wait. Since his destination was quite not far from where we were going, i said it's no problem if he went with us. He even volunteered to pay for the taxi just to be able to get home earlier.

All the time that we were talking, my friend was minding her own business, texting. When i told her that he's joining us in the taxi, she said a BIG NO in a firm and uncompromising conviction! I was shocked I thought she was joking. But she wasn't. She threatened to walk out and she said she's gonna take another taxi if he come with us. I asked her what's the big deal and she just insisted that she didn't like it. Plain and simple. Now it was me to feel the dilemma. I have already said yes to the guy, but the girl said no. I paused for a while as I tried hard to hold back my tears.

I turned to the man and told him in a very apologetic manner, "my friend, I am sorry, but my friend doesn't want you to come with us". He understood and said it's okay. I never looked back at him. I was a little embarassed.

We took our taxi and I could barely speak a word. I was trying to figure out what happened and what went wrong. Then she explained her side but I was not listening, I was trying to hold back my tears. Then I told her it wasn't fair. She wasn't fair. Simply because he wasn't a Filipino made him undeserving of any help from us. I felt so much guilt. I told her, it isn't always that I got a chance to do good deeds or something nice to other people. Palagi niya ngang sinasabi na masama daw akong tao. Now, that I got a chance to prove otherwise, out of a clean intention, she herself has screwed it up. She said sorry but still I was deeply hurt. I told her she didn't know how it feels to say yes to someone only to take it back after a moment. It made me look I was half a man and that Filipinos were like that, malicious and selfish.

We parted ways without any reconciliatory words. Masama pa rin ang loob ko.

I Can Never Be Your Man

Without any intention to brag, only brutal honesty to tell the truth, many have tried, many have offered, many have seduced, many have confessed, many have pursued but none have succeeded, none have been reciprocated, none have merited my affection. I am the man to beat but I am not the man that your heart beat for. I am just a man but I can never be your man.

Not that I am not interested in a relationship, not that I have not dreamed of having a family, not that I have not imagined holding someone else’s hand, not that I have not planned of spreading my genes, only that I have other priority, only that I have not met, only that I have not found, only that I am still looking, only that I am still searching, only that I am still waiting.

My heart isn’t made of stone but I don’t deal with mercy and gratitude. I am a good friend and you can count on that but I’d rather be alone that to force myself with people that I don’t like. If I chose you to be my friend, I hope it to stay that way. If some special things come along the way, that is something sure to make me feel uncomfortable. I can be your one, true friend, but I can never be your man.

Because I am unique and difficult to understand. Because I am extremely vulnerable and weak. Because I want some more. Because I am looking for someone else. Because I am wanting a normal life. Because I am incapable, because I am a man. I can never be your man – because you are a man.

A Love Story

“Mabuti pa ang saging, may puso.” Ouch! Tinamaan yata ako don. Oo nga noh? Binalikan ko lahat ng previous entries ko at wala ngang ni isang love story akong naisulat. Hmmm…Bakit nga ba? Mas mabuti pa ba talaga ang saging kesa sa akin. Hindi naman siguro. Ayoko lang kasi ng dramatic na entry, na kadalasan din ay corny, na minsan namn ay OA, oh love! Where art thou? Pero sige, for a change, here comes a love story mula sa aking hindi masyadong malikhaing "imahinasyon". *Liar mode*

"Unang tingin pa lang niya sa akin, nabasa ko na sa kanyang mga mata na may gusto siyang iparating, Umiwas ako. Natakot. Hindi naman kasi pangkaraniwan ang lugar na kung saan kami nagkita. Baka may makapansin sa amin, ano pa ang isipin. Makalipas ang ilang oras na pagliliwaliw, nagpasya akong lumabas na at umuwi ng bahay. Umuulan noon, wala naman akong dalang payong o kung anong pantakip ng ulo man lang. Naghintay ako sa mataas na silong ng mall na yun. Maraming iba pa ang nagpapatila rin ng ulan. Maingay ang paligid, sinasabayan pa ng walang tigil na chismisan ng mga taong nasa likuran ko. Nakakainip. Mag alas onse na nang gabi non. Gusto ko ng magpahinga. Kapagdaka’y napatingin ako sa aking tagiliran, may isang taong nakamasid sa akin. Hindi ako pwedeng magkamali. Siya yun. Siya ang taong nakita ko kanina at iniwasan. Sinundan ba niya ako? O nagkataon lang? Di naman siguro kasi ilang oras na rin ang dumaan mula ng unang nagtagpo ang aming mga paningin. Malamang nagkataon lang at pauwi na rin siya. Wala rin siyang dalang payong.

Gusto ko nang suungin ang malakas na ulan para lang makauwi, pero baka naman ako’y magkasakit at mabasa ang aking Hush Puppies na sapatos, sayang naman kakabili ko pa lang. Habang ako’y nakatayo sa aking napapagal na mga hita, nararamdaman kong ang tao sa tagiliran ko ay nakamasid sa akin, na para bang naghihintay na siya’y aking sulyapan din. Nilingon ko siya kunwari ako’y may hinahanap, siya’y nakatingin nga ng malagkit at nakangiti ng parang isang walang muwang na kabataan. Isa isa ng nawawala ang mga tao sa waiting shed dahil patigil na rin ang ulan. Ewan ko ba, pwede na sana akong umalis pero nagdalawang isip ako. Sapakin ko kaya ang sumusunod sa akin, wari ko. Pero huwag, sayang naman, napag isip isip ko, may hitsura naman pala siya.

Tunghayan ang buong kwento.